I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
