How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
