paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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