Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
