I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
