i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
