woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
