You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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