My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Randomize
