I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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