1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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