hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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