cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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