Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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