my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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