We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
