i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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