MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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