i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
