John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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