I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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