I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
