Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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