i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
