She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
