Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
