remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
