When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
