First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
