Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's rum buckets o'clock
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
