Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
