I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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