Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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