Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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