I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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