I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Is it because I queefed?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
