I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
