If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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