so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
