Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
