I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
