I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
