hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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