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time to smoke my breakfast
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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