we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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