apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
