Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
