I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
