and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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