Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Randomize
