My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
