Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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