I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
don't judge my taste in strippers
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
