She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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