Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
