mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
