i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
this is an emotional support booty call
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
